Keep Going, Please.
I am about to reveal a poem I wrote a couple days after my family found me after my suicide attempt. It is raw. It is me. It is probably the gulliest thing I have written and I have been embarrassed to share it, embarrassed to be that vulnerable. I think the boldest thing we can do as humans is be okay with being embarrassed. I won't edit it. I won't fix any grammatical errors. I won't put it in this pretty format, this is where I was at and I am so blessed to say I have came so far. I will always look back and never forget the darkest days. I will never forget dunking myself underwater. I will never forget overdosing on pills. I will never forget being in a mental hospital for three weeks. I will never forget going to bi-polar and depression support groups. I will never forget my family feeling so afraid and full of anxiety to leave me alone. I will never forget. One day I will help someone push through one more day, maybe that day is today. So our stories aren't a choice to tell people. Our stories are NECESSARY to tell people. Someone might take their life if you do not share it. I will never forget my weakest points because they make me who I am and I am no longer ashamed, so here is my story:
September 20, 2017
Homelessness
Homelessness has been my lifestyle. The streets of depression are my home I keep sleeping on the benches of hopelessness and hoping that the hope will come lead me to a shelter the shell around me never allows people to see my rags. The holes and dirt are masked by my smile. Your smile is beautiful they say. Your energy is contagious they say. Your light is addicting they say. But where is my light that you see? Where is that glow that will shine through and bring me to my home. Is it faux light? Am I a bulb that will only flicker and flicker and flicker but never full a room with its brightness? Am I ever going to feel bright again. Will I ever fear death again? Will I ever love life again? Will I ever love me? I shove me in my grave everyday. I'm too different they say. I'm too weird they say. I'm too free spirited they say. But my spirit doesn't feel free I do not feel free. Is freedom just my makeup I wear to enhance my appearance. My appearance becomes blurred under the dark waters. I lay there as the water burns my eyes and I cry. As you can't see my tears under water the world never sees my tears above surface. What is my beef with sadness what is stopping me from showing my deep roots my true self....me. I keep going under over and over hoping my eyes will eventually shut and I will not wake up in the tub. I dunk myself one last time and repeat . I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home. This place has never felt safe. You think your father is your superhero there is no one that can touch you because he is there. There is no enemy that will cause you pain bc daddy is there. And what happens when he leaves? Does the cape get passed down to me? It's okay I have a new daddy now I am safe again. Until I realize that my true superhero is gone. He isn't coming back. Now night after night I am terrorized by a villain that I never thought I would ever meet. Ever since I was introduced to that villain I became more and more homeless more and more hopeless as the days, the nights, the years went by I never could get that back. I never knew what safe meant. I never knew what it meant to have a superhero anymore. I just want to be safe. I just want my home back I just want my home back.