Forgive Yourself.
“My beauty resides in the ability to respond to my fuck ups with compassion, forgiveness and grace.”
This blog goes out to my perfectionists, my people with OCD, my over-achievers, and the ones that can never be okay with making mistakes.
Well, I am this person …so I am dedicating this blog to myself essentially.
For 28 years of my life I have been trying to forgive all of the people that have hurt me and caused me pain. Now that I am creeping up to 29, I feel that it is time to forgive myself. This year is all about me. I am holding onto the words of self growth, self care, self compassion, self forgiveness and just SELF, SELF, and more SELF! I am not in a space to push away the world but to tap more into my own inner world and live there for a while. I haven’t always made the best decisions. Even when I knew better, I chose the other path. Even when I had external wisdom coming from all corners, my stubborn ass chose to still rebel. There are things and people I have been attached to, addicted to, co dependent on, for far too long. It is time to forgive myself for holding onto these things. I have burns from playing with fire too consistently. I have scars from battling with demons for too many years. I have bruises from fighting with toxicity thinking that it was love. Yet, I still have no regrets. I could’ve done things way differently, yes. But it all made me who I am and I will be much, much stronger if I learn from all of this.
Moral of the story:
I beat myself up a lot.
And I need to stop.
And so do you.
I cause more abuse onto myself than anyone can cause to me. I give others more patience and understanding, in turn, I neglect myself of compassion. I am my biggest judge. And that judge takes me to trial everyday. I sit with myself in the courtroom angry. Each time, just angry. Angry that I could’ve done this, or did this, or accomplished that, or ran away from that, or avoided this, or stopped this. Just angry at the what ifs. I carry guilt everyday. Every damn day, for what? I am finally learning, slowly but surely, that it is okay to be imperfect. It is okay to not reach the goal the first time. It is okay that you didn’t have the knowledge you have now. It is okay that a generational curse was passed down to you, and you followed a pattern because that is all you knew. It is okay to be human.
>>>>> It is okay to make mistakes. <<<<<
That last sentence seemed so easy to type. But do I really believe it?
As children, some of us got ridiculed, abused, yelled at or diminished any time we made a mistake. We are now that parent to ourselves. We do those same things to our own soul. This blog is for all of us that just can’t seem to be nice to our own soul. I am a visual person, so I try to picture my inner child really living inside me. The 5 year old that loves life, full of joy, so big-hearted, super curious and adventurous, could care less about what anybody thinks of her. That precious little girl has suffered for too long. I try to picture her just sitting on my heart swinging her little legs waiting for me to acknowledge her. If I keep picturing her, I wouldn’t treat myself the way I do. I would want to hug her everyday and promise her that she will never hurt like that again. I will talk to her daily and tell her that life will be full of bullshit blindsides but she will make it through alive every single time. I would give her the love that she has been craving for way too long. I would tell her it was okay to fail because there really is no such thing. They are just hiccups to success. I would tell her it is okay to be angry, but never to stay angry at yourself. I would tell her all these things. I forgive myself for not doing this enough. For not seeing how important it is to just forgive myself of the mistakes. Mistakes have held way too much weight. And have weighed me down way too low. It is time to just release the obsession of perfection and be more loving…..to my imperfect self.
I know better.
Now I will do better.
Without any guilt or shame.
Peace and love my Gullies.
forgiving yourself = loving yourself.