It Is Okay To Release.

So as I was walking my dog this morning I saw a pine cone laying in the grass. Not sure why the first thing that came to mind was "oooo take a picture of that Quia". But of course I did, because I am addicted to nature. And as I got close to it, the scales being open on the pine cone just had my mind racing. As soon as I got home I started researching why pine cones open and close. They close to protect the seeds from animals, harsh weather, or anything that is not beneficial. They open to release the seeds and allow the seeds to produce new pine trees.

Now I am about to talk about something that many women do not like to discuss. Many men do not like to hear about it. Many children are not educated enough about this topic. Sexual trauma, sexual abuse, rape, molestation, and sexual harassment. Yes THESE things. Okay what the hell does this have to do with a pine cone you may ask? Well my intense brain feels the need to connect the two.

I believe as women we hold a lot of guilt, shame, and self hate when we experience these things. Especially if it was introduced into our lives as young children. Because our brains are still absorbing societal norms, and we are still trying to figure out who we are as individuals. So these events really cripple our growth and our understanding of what love is. And how to love ourselves. We believe we are not worthy. We are dirty. We are to blame. We are objects in this world with no clear purpose. We feel that we were not taught how to protect ourselves from the hunger of these evil men, or women in some cases. We feel we were not able to hide our seeds of purity from the harsh environment of this world, from the perverse minds of this world, from the dark spirits of this world. But we have a second chance. I know it is hard for me to open up because of the events that happened to me. I can only speak for myself but I do not trust anyone. I can't. I refuse to ever get that vulnerable again. I refuse to ever let someone have that much control or power over me again. I refuse to relinquish what I believe is MINE to anyone ever again. But what if me being open produces growth for someone else. (Finally the pine cone comparison) What if my seeds that I am so afraid to release can create a new beautiful tree. What if my pain and my struggle and my trauma was to help someone else see that there is a way out, a way out of that shame and self hate? I believe that is the only thing that gives me hope. That there is another woman hoping to heal but too afraid to open her scales and release her seeds. I believe that release is the first step. Release your story. Regain your voice. Be able to speak out and not care what anyone has to say. This is your pain. This is your life. People need to know what you have been through. Someone out there needs to know they are not alone. I have nightmares too. I feel like that little girl some nights, and I stare at the door as if my predator is on the other end of it. But I know he is not. My brain knows he is not. But that fear remains sometimes in my 27 year old brain. You are not alone my love. I push people away. I close my scales and protect my being, even when I feel I shouldn't, I do it anyway. I sometimes question who I am. I sometimes struggle with loving who I am. You are not alone my love. We have to stick together and rally with each other because sexual abuse is SO common. Whoever is reading this, know that you are not to blame. Whoever hurt you, whoever took your innocence away, whoever crossed that boundary and made you feel the most uncomfortable you ever felt, THAT IS ON THEM. You did not ask for that pain. Your body did not ask for that pain. Your spirit never wanted that for you. God gives everyone free will. We get to choose good or evil. We get to choose spirit or ego. We get to choose love or hate. And unfortunately some people choose the dark side. God did not choose this to happen to you. He never chooses this for anyone. He gives people the choice because if He made people choose good, that is not genuine. He wants us to be genuine, in whatever decision we choose. This world is made of humans that rather hurt than love. It is their fault, not yours. I always felt as if I deserved pain. I deserved to feel less than. I deserved to feel like an object. Subconsciously of course. I would never admit that out loud. But that is not true. Not for me and not for you. We deserve respect, love, security, protection and greatness. We have a second chance to receive that. But we have to release the guilt we place on ourselves. We have to release the stronghold of shame. It is too heavy to carry. Drop that shit. Drop everything that does not equate to self love. I refuse to beat myself up over somebody else's sin. I refuse to give him power anymore. I refuse to let him win. I win. I get to walk out the door everyday and smile because I know I am beautifully made. I am created exactly how God wanted to create me. NO one can take my light away. NO one can crush my spirit again. The memories never go away, but I can use them to plant new trees and help the next beautiful soul get closer to healing. I pray for all of us women to heal. We are too strong and too courageous to be in the shadows of anyone else's ridiculous mindset. Never think their mindset is yours. You wouldn't be affected, hurt, in pain, or traumatized if you wanted that to happen to you. If you didn't want it, don't accept it as your fault. Don't ever accept it as your fault. YOU ARE BLAMELESS! Remember, you are not alone my love. We survived. We are warriors. We are strong. We must not stay closed forever. It is time to release.